Master, the tempest is raging!
My hands are shaking.
My heart is beating wildly on my palms and I can feel beads of sweat trickling down my butt crack.
I have no idea why I am feeling this way, but I just told someone my mind is in overdrive. It’s true. I haven’t been able to sit still since morning. I had a crucial interview earlier in the afternoon, and the few hours leading up to it had bile churning in my stomach and me shitting bricks any chance I sat on the toilet seat.
Lots of tabs are open on my workspace. Everything is time-sensitive, but I can’t seem to get a head start on any of the tasks. I even forgot I had a team meeting to attend, and as someone who prides themselves on keeping time, I shamefully joined the meeting sixteen minutes late.
My entire body is shaking now. I have my glasses on, but I cannot see clearly. I am seeing illusions. I have also exhausted my go-to instrumental hymns.
I wish my mind could stop running so my heart could stay calm. I wish I could touch grass right now, but it’s pitch black outside, and I live on the third floor of an apartment in the middle of an industrial area.
I just started writing this piece because I smelt insanity creeping in. And now, I feel like with every line I have written here, the palpitation in my hands and the sides of my head is dying down.
I wish I could sleep now, but my body is unable to accommodate such impromptu requests. My kind of sleep requires me to prep a lot and beg my body to rest. I spend my nights beckoning my heart and mind to slow down so that my muscles can rest to no avail. Dearest gentle body, I coo, but my body betrays me. The only time I get to fall asleep is when I’ve tired myself to the core, and my mind resigns to fate.
I am two screams away from losing it, and I crave the peace of God that surpasses all human understanding. I want my hands to stop shaking. I want the butterflies in my stomach to stop the flapping. I want my mind and heart to slow down. I can’t steer my life in the high gear it’s in right now.
The billows are tossing high. God, hold my hand!